just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
