I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
