I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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