Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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