this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
