so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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