I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Pooping to opera.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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