i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
