Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
