as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
