Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize