Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
