every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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