Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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