Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
