May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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