Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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