I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
