When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
