i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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