Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
