Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
