i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
