i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
