Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
pop tarts are not kleenex
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize