You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
