i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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