i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
