I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
