Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
