be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
