omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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