I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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