I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The power of my boobs compel you
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
