I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Congratulations! We have a period
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
