she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
