I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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