Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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