i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
