I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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