Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize