I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
