sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
