went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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