Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
