she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
