I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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