mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
