Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
