I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
