Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
