I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
