Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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