I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
