For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
