I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
