I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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