Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
