Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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