i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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