beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
