We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
