So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
