I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
