i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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