Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
