Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
