Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
