I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
