Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
