Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We are all done wearing pants today
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize